When Hope and Despair Coincide

Once upon a time, the world was in HD, with clear colours: black was black, and white was white. As I grow older, I realise we see much less than we suppose, and that there are many areas where it is grey, in varying shades. Whether we see it as white tainted with black, or black with some white, or just a mess, grey is taunting, confusing, uncertain - at once both mysterious and maddening.

Some may think of the concept of 'grey' as purely relevant for controversial issues where the answer is unclear and the lines or boundaries are blurred. I like to also think of it as periods of times in our lives where we walk in a kind of shadow. There is light, and yet not enough. The path ahead is unbearably murky.

Such is a time of hope and despair. Whether it is a broken relationship, lost dreams, no end in sight, repeated failures and dead-ends, or a life-sentence that hangs over us, we live in a revolving half-light where we simultaneously desperately hope and expect for the day and yet are most times overwhelmed with black despair.

Where is God in these times of utter lostness and brokenness?

I cannot speak for others but I can draw from my own story. I would pray passionately, and for a brief moment see with clarity that God is infinitely greater but as I turn to look at the problem, at my inadequacy, at the pool of help and answers I should be able to draw form, all is dark, dry and dead. The rains refuse to come. My opponent overwhelms me. I am alone, and my soul dies a thousand deaths choked in silent screams. Not once but again. And again. And again. Until non-existence seems like paradise.

From each death, somehow eventually, without knowing how or why, I would sit up, bundle up the puddles of my heart, set it like stone then stumble on. Looking back, I know there were brief reprieves where I would find a trickle of water, a patch of blue sky, a faint whisper of comfort - from the strength of which, like the elf-bread of Middle Earth, I would wander far, always shifting between grey and blackness until eventually it gave way to a better paradise than I could have imagined. It took many years. I don't know why.

After some time of healing, I realised I was changed. Steel had been forged in my soul. I learned that those that launched assaults against me in the night were demons that could be caught and destroyed in the name of Jesus. I learned that if I followed the instructions of that still, small, voice no matter how hard it was, small victories would add up into larger ones. Instead of turning the sword on myself, I had learnt to sharpen my sword in the blackness and fight the opponents that would pounce in the gloom, yes always with tears, often still failing, but increasingly less so.

I did not know that God could be so present, so steadfast in love throughout my unfaithfulness. I did not know how strong He is. But now I have witnessed His love and power firsthand. I will have no other God.

Today, the former foes do not have the same power. I notice their tell-tale signs as soon as they appear in the horizon and I remember the pain they dealt me, then their defeat. I give them no mercy. I remember the lessons of the night, and I teach others how to fight. There will be other foes, but I am now trained.

If the struggle I described is familiar to you, my message to you is: hope in God does not disappoint. It carries you far. His Name is far more powerful than you can imagine. Despair is a dark foe that you do not have to listen to. Know how to wield Jesus' Name and His Word. When you fall, He catches you and gives you strength to face another day. Know that there is purpose in the battles you face. Satan means for them to destroy you completely but God is with you to both overcome and help others overcome. Then the world will see the greatness of the God who has carried you.